He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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