So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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