I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
