Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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