Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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