I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
