he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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