Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
