All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
