No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
