Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
