i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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