i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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