i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
