Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
