its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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