I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
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