Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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