"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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