My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
