So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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