your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
