Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
