I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
