Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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