you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
