I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize