What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you didnt know i had herpes?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
