Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My breath smells like gin and sadness
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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