The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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