My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
