My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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