Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
