nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Randomize
