And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Randomize
