Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
sarcasm needs its own font
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
