It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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