God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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