Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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