I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
