I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
