spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Randomize
