apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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