Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
