my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
