omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
