I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Randomize
