I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
pop tarts are not kleenex
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
