Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
