I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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