I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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