he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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