Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
