I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
