I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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