please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
