well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
