He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
