Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
